Message on the Principle of Differences

A Message on the Principle of Differences
By Dr. Sky Kershner
For the SAGA Interfaith Service
Part of the Gay Pride Celebration
Charleston, WV
June 3, 2001

There is a story about a young Captain who was given charge of the largest ship in the Navy. One night, they were out in the middle of the sea, and there, on the horizon they saw this light coming straight towards them. As the young Captain watched the light he thought, surely they see us coming and they can see how big we are, and they will move out of our way.

There is, on the open sea, a kind of etiquette. The small ships get out of the way of the big ships. This is because large ships have so much momentum. And their rudders are so small compared to the rest of the ship, that they do not turn easily. It can take many tens of miles and even several hours to completely turn a huge ship.

So the Captain watched and waited. But after a few minutes, there was no change. The light kept coming straight for them. Closer and closer. So the Captain had his radio operator send out a message: "We are on the heading 220. You are directly in our path." A few second later, a reply came back: "Yes, we see you are on a heading 220. We see that we are directly in your path."

The Captain thought this was strange and a little annoying, And still the light came closer and closer, So he made himself clearer: "We recommend that you change course immediately." The message came back a few seconds later: "We recommend that you change your course immediately."

Now irritated the Captain got on the radio himself and said sternly: "This is the USS Saratoga!" A few second later the message came back: "This is the Lighthouse."

This story comes to us through the work of Stephen Covey. Covey suggests that there seem to be, in our world, several great principles of life. These principles are like lighthouses, great immovable objects, in an otherwise unobstructed ocean of person freedom. These immovable objects are like reference points, which we can use to guide us on our way, but which at time pose a threat to us, if we ignore them and collide with them. We must, in life, successfully navigate our way using these principles, otherwise they become obstacles for us, and we risk running aground or even being broken upon them.

Two great principles

Today this great nation of ours is struggling to not wreck the ship of our society on the rocks of a great principle. Our nation has wanted to ignore this principle for some time, but now finds it no longer can. It may well be the second great principle in the history of our country.

The first great principle of our nation was articulated over two-hundred years ago. It is a principle upon which this nation was founded. It is a principle so simple it is known to just about every adult and school child in our country, including each of us here today. It is a principle so profound, it sparked that birth of our nation: "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal."

Most of us accept this first principle as true, even though we recognize that we as a nation have failed to enact it perfectly. Our hypocrisy and failing as a nation is clear in the very articulation of the principle itself. Even as we say that "all men are created equal", we cannot help but be reminded that when the authors of our constitution said "all men," they did not mean all persons, all men and women. They meant all men, and ‘only men.’ And beyond this, when they said "all men," they did not mean ‘just men’ and ‘only men.’ They meant ‘just some men,’ ‘only some men.’

Yet, despite this bitter irony of our history, the principle our equality "that we are all created equal" has outlived the inadequacies of its authors, and remains with us today as a lighthouse when it comes to determining maters of fairness and of ethics. Though the ship of our society has at times ignored the guidance of this principle, and run aground on many occasions, our own history has taught us that when we recognize the truth of this proposition of the essential equality of all persons, we are back in clear deep waters and can again plot our course with freedom.

But now, even as we struggle to fully heed the guidance of this first great principle, we find that the light of a second great principle has appeared for us on the horizon. It lies directly in our path, and we are on a collision course with it. It is a principle equal in its simplicity to the first, and equal in its power and in its challenge and guide us into the future.

We gathered here today hold this second truth to be equally self-evident:
That just as all persons, all men, all women, are created equal,
So too are all persons, all men, all women, created different.

We here today have gathered out of respect for this principle, and are here to urge the unthinking momentum of a sluggish society to consider its direction, and to bend to the guidance of this basic truth. The choices are many, but the consequences are clear, we can bend to guidance of this principle, or run aground against it.

Differences are Good

The mystery of our individual difference is part of the created wonder of the universe. In this universe of infinite diversity we find, in our differences, our deepest beauty, our most energetic creativity, and our most profound inspiration.

If the hand says to the foot, I have no need of you, the body is made less. If red says to green we don’t want you anymore, the universe is diminished.

Differences are part of the essential goodness of our world, they enrich us, they enliven us. Embracing difference makes us whole.

Just as difference is a part is part of the goodness of our created universe so is the mystery of individual preference. Individual preference is the essence of what makes us unique. What we like and what we do not like are elemental to who we are as persons. It is part of what makes us loving and lovable. It is part of our sometime irritating quirkiness. It is part of the gift we bring to each of our relationships. And as a gift, it is to be cherished.

Bill likes to get flowers on his birthday; Judy, his partner, doesn’t care for flowers, but she really likes hand made birthday cards.
Tom likes to get his feet rubbed at night, Sam, his partner, prefers a full body massage.
April really likes baseball; April, her partner, Cynthia, prefers ballet.
Marie, she really likes country music, Donny, well, "he’s a little bit rock and roll."

These differences in preference hurt no one. They enrich us. They enliven us.

One Principle taken alone is not enough

Having described these two principles, it would be good to say that these principles do not automatically fit well and easily with each other. And that each principle, taken separately and by itself, has a hidden flaw and weakness. The Golden Rule, to "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you," is a wonderful articulation of the principle of equality and fairness, but it has a hidden limitation when it comes to the specifics.

If I do unto you what I would have you to do unto me, That may not work for you! Not everyone wants to "be done to" in exactly the same ways ! This is true in our society in general, as it is true in our individual relationships.

If Bill gives Judy flowers because he likes getting flowers
Judy’s uniqueness and her difference gets ignored,
because she would have preferred getting hand made card.
When this happens once, it is no ‘big’ deal,
Though in a small but important way, the relationship has suffered.
When this happens time after time,
an otherwise promising relationship can stall completely.
When this happens in a society as a matter of policy
A deep wound is opened, and we run aground as a nation.

Just as we must learn to accept that none of us is so different that we are not deserving of equal rights and equal protection under the law, so we must accept that none of us is so similar that what works for some will work for all. The flaw in the principle of equality is corrected when we take into account the principle of difference. Only when we hold these two principles in a dynamic tension do they become a working whole and we find a happy balance.

Finding a Balance is not Easy

Finding this balance, however, is not easy. Just as the idea equality has been a challenge that has been resisted throughout much of human history, So the idea of the goodness of diversity is resisted, and is sometimes deeply resisted. The momentum of our society makes changing course a slow, slow process, and for some, a scary and threatening one. This is why having a principle to guide us can become helpful, calming, and can fill us with a courage we would not normally have.

When I am guided by the principle, and take individual preference and difference into account, then I can recognize that there is an abundance of love for everybody. There is plenty to go around. My preference does not need to exclude your preference. There is plenty of room for both to exist, side by side. It doesn’t have to be the same for everybody. It has to be fair, But it doesn’t have to be the same.

The truth of the goodness of our essential differences from one another, is no less than the truth of our essential equality, and at the same time no greater than it. We live our lives in the tension between these two truths.

On the one hand, We are equal in our essential need for safe and nurturing connections, and at the same time, we are different in our God given preferences and choices about how we seek that love and who we seek it from.

We are equal in our need for love; we are different in our preferences as far as how we get that need met.

The strength in these two principles of equality and difference lies in our holding them in a balanced tension and in not sacrificing one in favor of the other.

Hope for the Future

Martin Luther King once said, "The arc of history is a slow bend towards justice."
Just as it can take a great ship many miles just to make a small change in its direction. So the arc of history bends towards justice slowly, and only slowly.

And this is where our hope lies, in this slow turning, this slow bending towards justice.

We gathered here today for this celebration are a small but important part of the process of that bending. In our coming together here today, we remember, that we are not alone. We also remember that many have gone before us, and that many will come after us. We are surrounded by a host of witness, those from the past and those from the future, and they are cheering us on. The dry bones of those no longer with us in body rise up by our being here, and come alive in us. We walk and celebrate publicly this week, both for ourselves and for them.

History bends for them, even as it bends for us. It bend s for us slowly, it may not be finished in our time. But eventually, Justice will come about.

We here today participate in this great bending of history towards justice, each and every time we struggle to balance these two great principles of life:

That we are created equal
And that we are created different.

We bring balance to ourselves and to our society
Each time we take these two unique truths equally into account.

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May God give us patience
To act with compassion

In the face of the injustices
We find along the way.

May God give us strength
To act with courage
In the next part of our journey,
Wherever it may lead!

Amen

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